talking shit

hey

wanted to talk to you about something computer/culture/documentation/public/company related. but i don't want to talk about it is the thing

i know i feel sort of crazy about something that isn't at all a big deal but is NOW because of the head i'm in because of the conversations i've been having/person i've been rooming with/ constant and persistent manners/ways of speaking for the past 10days. sociology, negativity, bla bla blah. just makes me so ugh and am glad she left today. also little sleep 

and the non exercise/ less healthy eating but mostly the negativity grinding away

complainy wainy shit talker look at you you're great

so thanks for the perspectives, the feelings, and good bye now. today i was done being a listener/ thing to speak with, when in so many ways it's bull shit and not how i'd ideally be talking- i don't like what i become when i'm with you, you bring me down which is okay but it's not me , literally i'm a sort of puppet. you are good for things like you are a good roommate and you are good to be around because it's easy. so that is why you were welcome and you stayed

anyway everything sort of brought me where i needed to be. back to my presence back to the issue the genocide the holocaust that killed my parents' parents' parents that the issue of being "heartless" or not human or a computer or a fighter in a game whose purpose is kill to win or to live. that issue drips through most of our blood at most times of the day here in commercial fuckedup heartless world 

it was a call to fear. it was something only the controlled notfree feel. trapped. "the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion"

today i felt scared. so you know what fuck you fuck you nazi fuck you i'm going to do it my way you can't scare me into doing it your way. i'm claiming what's mine . my way. fire me or say hurtful things i don't know i'm sure as hell not going to be governed by fear you instill, you aren't doing it on purpose but you're just so cold sometimes it's hard to tell. "rights" as a human. fuck. "rights" because i'm in existence therefore yours isn't worth more than mine therefore we both exist 

..

harmony. one love. imagine. youmaysayimadreamerbutimnottheonlyone

it's so annoying because you claim to be antiracist but you ARE you ARE. and probably i am too. and YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT, YOU JUST DON't SEE WHAT's in FRONT OF YOU

the fear i felt today was not an ounce of fear i'd have felt in any holocaust. but with the twist of events, everything so obviously leading up to that feeling, finally, i'm here, a resident of this, this massacre didn't get extinguished it just got swept underneath, blanketed/silenced by crazy ordinances, to OBEY, humans essentially the same

ok good. i am learning the language the nazis ordered my parents' parents' parents in to their brutal deaths. +millions. without a heart they did it simply quickly and they ALL did it and they dO IT still

their fucking need to dominate and the way their dogs are the most obedient i've seen on earth, watching their owners every move like that's the only thing they can focus on. they aren't allowed to be/ they are so not free

good that i learn their language so i can pick their fucking brains 

so i study these humans. yeah they've got a great system. things run smoothly and it makes sense. makes more and more sense though how it came to be, what they do and what it creates,

i am employed by a man born during the war, right here, were his parents killing my parents parents parents- yes. were my parentsparents...... enslaving someone elses'- yes. hello yesterday world welcome to today. 

i'm still a dreamer. and i certainly won't give in to fear.

/nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear/ -camus thanks google xx

yes, praise google and the public and the internet and fuck privacy

this shall be public

i'm feeling good reading what i wrote a few days ago

this is what i wrote:

just the other day i was feeling my lightness-

when i walk the streets of berlin

the freedom

is unparalleled

today and each day thereafter having no place to be

i've never felt that way outside of berlin.

never lived free from those wars and the naggingthatstealsawaythemoment free from the nagging

for very long

here i am without the bad kind of anxiety. bad meaning more than the good amount of it

i am not each moment worried for the next 

i used to live in california

there were mountains and cars ocean waves and people i love

there were my dogs and there was stuff i don't need

and there was always this panic. i tried tried but it wouldn't shake

even if it left me for a little while it would always come back

it is gone

uh oh

i have a new best friend
she comes in a jar

'PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT'

X X X XO

fuck off media spree

it's money. power. it's cognition. the mind.
so vast, all across western society yet so deeply rooted within us. deeper than you t h i n k.
forget everything you ever heard , throw away your television, and explore other inspirations. maybe ones that weren't created for money. maybe ones that were created for the purpose of creation/ nothingness

don't buy the cheesebuger. don't do the master cleanse. do you, beauty. you YOU you. x



Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.


it's berlin.
it's the kind of place i'd wanna raise kids.

it could be like this.

everyday you make decisions
that affect the lives
of thousands of animals.

" eat food.not too much.mostly plants. "

drop everything now.

that moment

that girl

that evening

they all belong in fantasies, not in reality

those, i could not stop replaying in my head if i tried

for they are the stories I'll tell my grandchildren

and i'm sure, her feelings are mutual :)

i love you too

'oh what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you'

january in san diego

. a moment of stupid pleasure

one i crafted to be stupid

all thoughts considered, i react

out of spite of my thoughts

i turn violent and rash

the resulting self-attack spirals into itself

my favorite thing is missing- i left it on the couch to be stolen

but i'm laughing

because no one can take that moment from me

dancing smiling favorite person in hand

the moment was real and the thing was only a thing

no thing matters like you matter

however

my 'whatevers' eat me alive

and i dream they'll treasure it as much as i did for as long as i did

xoxo

it gets better.

I LOVE YOU

itgetsbetter.org

darling

just dream darling

dream dream your heart out

there isn't a better indulgence

reality's not a consequence

when you smile and carry the dream with you

and it is so much better than any plan

and

why

would you make any plans

if you're not dead

how becoming of you, smiling with your dream

so f the bastards

you are beautiful pure raw perfection, stellar smashing shining you.

you my figment with a dream

i love you darling

fleeting they create a master piece

nothing lasts. but please don't panic

over this fantastic idea,

for it's the only way a moment exists

it's the only way a line of a poem exists

or anything at all

it was the cardboard box at the top of the closet that read

'MOVING ALONG, EVERYTHING PROCESSES IN BEAUTY'

everything in disarray

is suddenly structured, those are

the fragments of your masterpiece

unfinished post

there isn't enough time between thoughts to process them, they just go and go and go like a person trying to walk being pulled by a dog on a leash. none of them ever reach their potential- of arriving at something like a concept. so that's why if i try to send you a message there is a one hundred percent chance you won't receive it

famous in green socks with holes

here i wear green socks with holes

and i hold a poster of brother ben's facebook connections, also his invention/ creation!

order your poster today- it's loads of fun. -> visit the socialprintshop

yours,

gaby

hospice

yesterday i saw what felt like my first patient

history of breast cancer, lung cancer, dementia, strokes

she was jewish a mother and a grandmother

she was petite, she had soft freckled skin and she was dying

there were many photographs in the room, she had been beautiful

today she feels warm; fast heart rate, cheyne-stokes breathing and no blood pressure

but she sleeps peacefully

"it will probably be today"

mrs. k wasn't my patient, but i won't forget her

her warmth and the pictures on the wall

that she was already so utterly confused

but that she heard me, felt me, maybe realized it was the end of something

and that it was okay and it was comfortable

the new yorker's Letting Go

...

All I know is that I need you

Do not ask me to remember.

Don't try to make me understand.

Let me rest and know you're with me.

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept.

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me.

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can't help the way I'm acting,

Can't be different 'though I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone.

Please don't fail to stand beside me,

Love me 'til my life is done.

-an early stage dementia patient