hey
wanted to talk to you about something computer/culture/documentation/public/company related. but i don't want to talk about it is the thing
i know i feel sort of crazy about something that isn't at all a big deal but is NOW because of the head i'm in because of the conversations i've been having/person i've been rooming with/ constant and persistent manners/ways of speaking for the past 10days. sociology, negativity, bla bla blah. just makes me so ugh and am glad she left today. also little sleep
and the non exercise/ less healthy eating but mostly the negativity grinding away
complainy wainy shit talker look at you you're great
so thanks for the perspectives, the feelings, and good bye now. today i was done being a listener/ thing to speak with, when in so many ways it's bull shit and not how i'd ideally be talking- i don't like what i become when i'm with you, you bring me down which is okay but it's not me , literally i'm a sort of puppet. you are good for things like you are a good roommate and you are good to be around because it's easy. so that is why you were welcome and you stayed
anyway everything sort of brought me where i needed to be. back to my presence back to the issue the genocide the holocaust that killed my parents' parents' parents that the issue of being "heartless" or not human or a computer or a fighter in a game whose purpose is kill to win or to live. that issue drips through most of our blood at most times of the day here in commercial fuckedup heartless world
it was a call to fear. it was something only the controlled notfree feel. trapped. "the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion"
today i felt scared. so you know what fuck you fuck you nazi fuck you i'm going to do it my way you can't scare me into doing it your way. i'm claiming what's mine . my way. fire me or say hurtful things i don't know i'm sure as hell not going to be governed by fear you instill, you aren't doing it on purpose but you're just so cold sometimes it's hard to tell. "rights" as a human. fuck. "rights" because i'm in existence therefore yours isn't worth more than mine therefore we both exist
..
harmony. one love. imagine. youmaysayimadreamerbutimnottheonlyone
it's so annoying because you claim to be antiracist but you ARE you ARE. and probably i am too. and YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT, YOU JUST DON't SEE WHAT's in FRONT OF YOU
the fear i felt today was not an ounce of fear i'd have felt in any holocaust. but with the twist of events, everything so obviously leading up to that feeling, finally, i'm here, a resident of this, this massacre didn't get extinguished it just got swept underneath, blanketed/silenced by crazy ordinances, to OBEY, humans essentially the same
ok good. i am learning the language the nazis ordered my parents' parents' parents in to their brutal deaths. +millions. without a heart they did it simply quickly and they ALL did it and they dO IT still
their fucking need to dominate and the way their dogs are the most obedient i've seen on earth, watching their owners every move like that's the only thing they can focus on. they aren't allowed to be/ they are so not free
good that i learn their language so i can pick their fucking brains
so i study these humans. yeah they've got a great system. things run smoothly and it makes sense. makes more and more sense though how it came to be, what they do and what it creates,
i am employed by a man born during the war, right here, were his parents killing my parents parents parents- yes. were my parentsparents...... enslaving someone elses'- yes. hello yesterday world welcome to today.
i'm still a dreamer. and i certainly won't give in to fear.
/nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear/ -camus thanks google xx
yes, praise google and the public and the internet and fuck privacy
this shall be public
i'm feeling good reading what i wrote a few days ago
this is what i wrote:
just the other day i was feeling my lightness-
when i walk the streets of berlin
the freedom
is unparalleled
today and each day thereafter having no place to be
i've never felt that way outside of berlin.
never lived free from those wars and the naggingthatstealsawaythemoment free from the nagging
for very long
here i am without the bad kind of anxiety. bad meaning more than the good amount of it
i am not each moment worried for the next
i used to live in california
there were mountains and cars ocean waves and people i love
there were my dogs and there was stuff i don't need
and there was always this panic. i tried tried but it wouldn't shake
even if it left me for a little while it would always come back
it is gone
